Dude, Where's My Gold Star?
by grammarslash
Summary: Mario and Luigi go on an Epic Quest to find Luigi’s gold star. Warnings: Scantily clad villains and Peach bashing including reasons ahoy! Mentions both slash and femslash. Random moments of alliteration. Please don't kill me.


**Title:** Dude, Where's My Gold Star?

**Author:** ricepresident (Samigh)

**Fandom: **Super Mario Bros. Yes. I went there.

**Disclaimer:** I own it. Definitely. I'm all powerful enough to have created something this popular before the year of my birth. I sure hope you caught the sarcasm.

**Pairing:** past Mario/Peach, Bowser/Wario/Waluigi, Peach/Daisy

**Rating:** PG 13. I think. I'm proud of my rating.

**Genre:** Gen? Humour?

**Word count: **1355

**Prompt:** 1991, the year Super Nintendo was released to North America.

**Spoilers and/or Warnings:** If you know the characters then no spoilers. Scantily clad villains and Peach bashing (including reasons) ahoy! And mentions of both slash and femslash. (For shame. Ugh.) And random moments of alliteration (which I did not notice until I posted. Oops.)

**Summary:** Mario and Luigi go on an Epic Quest to find Luigi's gold star.

"I don't think that this will work," Mario mumbled.

The Mario Brothers (as they had become known) sat and stared at the phone in front of them. It was purple. Neither of them were particularly fond the colour purple so they were unsure of why the phone was that colour. The fact of the matter, though, was that the two were waiting for a phone call. Luigi's gold star had been lost ("stolen," he had screamed as a correction) and they had posted signs all over Little Italy in hopes of uncovering information. Luigi shot Mario his patented STFU glare. And he did just that. After all, Luigi knew what he was doing. Probably. Maybe. Not in the least.

Mario sat still for a few moments, approximately the length of time it would take a young child to realize that he had dropped his ice cream cone. Ice cream. Milk. Cow. Peach was a fat cow. She had recently run off with her long-time friend Daisy after having conducted a lesbian affair under his nose for years. It made a sick sort of sense after all, since Daisy had been the one to rescue Peach from Bowser. Time after dreadfully dreary time. Mario pouted before bringing himself back to the conversation at hand.

"Maybe we should go on a gold star hunt?" he suggested. "An epic quest?" Luigi paused to ponder the proposal and Mario rolled his eyes. Now that it had been suggested they both knew what would happen. Mario knew it well enough to speak the along words with his brother in the same bored tone;

"Mamma mia, let's go. Woohoo."

And so the Epic Quest began.

Mario and Luigi set off with minimal preparation, planning to rely on the kindness of strangers, for it had yet to fail them. They made their way through the land of Chickpea ("We're SPICY!") and the realm of Eggplant ("Fine, you're _both_ Queens") and soon became frustrated with talking food ("I miss Magic Mushrooms"). Mario suggested that they pay a visit to Bowser for questioning.

"He's the most likely suspect," Mario argued one night. They were sitting by a fire that a kind band of travelling musicians had let them have. (Point thirty seven for kindness of strangers.)

"That is exactly the reason why he's not a valid choice," Luigi countered, spearing a marshmallow with a stick. "Besides, he's more _your_ arch foe than mine." Mario conceded with this point, but he was not interested in losing this battle. What could he say?

"And the same thing goes for Wario before you mention him," Luigi said through his gooey marshmallow.

Mario realized that it would be more effective to appeal to his brother's cautious side.

"Shouldn't we investigate the option before deciding he is innocent? I thought that in this society the motto was 'guilty until proven innocent.'"

Luigi decided that it was worth a shot.

In what felt like no time at all, the Italians found themselves in front of Bowser's castle. "Does this look a bit like Kiamo Ko to you or is it just me?" Mario asked before being shushed by the other. They waited at the front door (they _were_ the Good Guys after all) for some time before realizing that no one would be greeting them.

The door creaked as Mario pushed it open and quickly hurried inside, Luigi close on his heels. Straining notes reached their ears, formerly unheard because of the thick front door. Music. The plumbers crept along the passage way until the music became clearer.

"I'm a slaaaaaave. For you," the singer rasped painfully. Though the pain could have simply been registered by the eyes and transmitted to the brain, leaving the brain tragically confused. Luigi curled up on the ground and shut his eyes forcefully to block out the sight before him. Mario retched in the corner.

Bowser tore his eyes away from the scene in front of him. Waluigi looked up from his lap dancing, but Wario did not bother. He groaned happily before whispering in a hoarse voice, "Hey baby, why'd you stop?" He opened his eyes and followed the others' gaze before becoming just as immobile as them.

Luigi, now bashing his head against a wall to avoid reasonable thought, managed to speak. "I don't suppose either of you took my gold star? No? Okay, we'll be going now, bye," he said quickly and in various octaves before grabbing Mario by his overalls and hurrying away from the vision before him and the castle that held it. He had not wanted to know what his brother's arch foes did in their spare time.

"Luigi not afraid. Luigi not afraid." The panicked mantra could be heard from a distance as the brothers raced away. It was not until they reached the Mushroom Kingdom that they considered they could now stop running.

Mario began laughing hysterically. "It's to mask the pain," he managed. After calming down he stated with fewer giggles, "I knew it wasn't them to begin with."

Luigi twitched. "What?" he asked. Had Mario been paying attention he would have caught the note of panic in his voice.

"I only said that so you wouldn't catch on!"

Luigi let out a warrior cry. "You stole my gold star!" the plumber screeched"_I'm-a keel you, betch!_"

Mario's eyes widened to the size of lasagne pans at his brother's rage. Luigi lunged into the air and Mario shrieked when a foot connected with his face. It was promptly followed by a fist. Mario whimpered pitifully before trying to defend his honour.

"I didn't take your stupid star," he cried out. Or tried to cry out as it was quite difficult to speak around the hand lodged in his mouth. Luckily, Luigi caught the gist of the statement. "Then who _did_?" Luigi snarled.

Mario averted his eyes, giving Luigi the chance to continue. "You always want whatever I have and you _always get it_! It's. Not. Fair." Luigi narrowed his eyes and Mario was forced to question whether or not their optometrist was really worth his pay. Perhaps it was money better spent for a therapist.

When Luigi punched him in the nose Mario realized that he must have continued speaking. "Not a baby," Luigi ground out and Mario could only nod in agreement. That _hurt._

Luigi pulled back and brushed his hands off on his bright green overalls. "If you didn't take it, who did?"

Luckily for Mario, Princess Peach pranced in, primping and preening as she went. Luigi knew enough about life to realize that Peach was obviously the culprit.

When Peach spotted Mario she let out a gleeful "Pookie!" before hurrying over to him. "I've missed you," she cooed. "Daisy can be _such_ a downer."

"I heard that," Daisy muttered, close on Peach's heel. After a nudge from Daisy, Peach spoke again. "Thanks so _much_ for letting me borrow this! It made such a _lovely_ necklace." She rummaged through her purse before emerging triumphantly with a package wrapped in brown paper.

Mario eyes it warily and Luigi rolled his eyes. It was _his_ gold star after all. Why did people believe that everything he owned belonged to Mario?

Peach and Daisy ran off in a puff of pink and doom (not before flaunting their assets in front of a now suicidal Mario). "Why do they _do_ this to me?" Mario whined.

Toad stumbled onto the scene and gaped at the cloud of dust. "Mario!" he shouted, eyes large and frightened, "Peach has been taken away again!"

Mario stared at him blankly for a moment before responding, "No, Toad, Peach left me for Daisy. We've been through this."

Toad was shocked for a moment, but he shrugged his shoulders in an 'it was bound to happen' fashion before continuing on his way.

Mario sighed and unwrapped the package, throwing the gold star at Luigi. Luigi scrambled to catch his precious artefact. After making sure it was undamaged, Luigi searched for his secret stash of Magic Mushroom.

"Trust the fungus," he said to himself while fumbling through his pockets.

"My MUSHROOM!" he cried out morosely.


End file.
